Eskimo, God and Hawaii

*BZZZT* *BZZZZZT* BZZZT*

“Yes, Margaret?” God sighed into the speaker of the white plastic prayer phone.

“God, dear, you have a call from your  Inuit people on St. Paul’s Island off the coast of Alaska…again.” Margaret sighed heavily into the speaker.

God buries his face in his palm and mutters through his fingers, “Patch them in Margaret.”

A high pitched voice came on the speaker, “Haaayy… Is this God I’m speaking to now?”

God closed his eyes and forced his breath out through his nostrils slowly, “Yes… What seems to be the problem, Jeffie.”

Jeffie squealed with delight at hearing his own name, “I just looo-uh –UVIT when you say my name like that. God, it’s so cold here my scrumptious little nippies are chipping during daily aerobics! Buh-LEEVE me when I say it is so hard to strut my stuff sweating to the oldies with my boy Richard Simmons when I have to keep applying chapstick to my nippies!”

God shook his head in utter disappointment, “Jeffie, you need to quit abusing your power. Just because you’re the leader down there doesn’t mean you can call me with EVERY trivial thing you can think of. You can’t keep wasting my time! I keep giving you everything you want and nothing seems to be good enough.” God paused and looked out the window of his office at the incoming plane landing at St. Paul Island Airport. “Jeffie, what did you want exactly?”

Jeffie piped up in a low voice, “I’m sorry God… I just wish… I just wish it was nice and warm here. I’d love to lie out on the beach with the boys and work on my man-tan. If I tried that right now I’d freeze my poor little willy clear off and there’s no fun in that!”

God grunted into the phone, “First you all wanted to win the lottery and I made it so; granted, you had to share the pot and each only won about fifty cents in the long run but still… Ya’ll wanted to be surrounded by big strong men and I made it so.”

Jeffie smiled to himself and a chill ran up his spine.

“Most of you weren’t very happy about that. It’s like I can do no right!” God exclaimed in frustration. “Then you all wanted nice fancy cars and I made it so. Half the island dies in car crashes because every inch of land is covered in snow and ice! And some idiot tried to drive across the god damned frozen ocean and hit a seal! I’m in hot water with Mother Nature for that! How am I supposed to explain a friggin Eskimo driving a convertible across the flipping ocean?!”

Jeffie pleaded, ”But, God, please? Just this one last prayer? We all want it to be sunny and 75 degrees all year round!” Jeffie said excitedly.

God balled up his fists in anger, “Alright! You all want it nice and hot year round, right?! You’ll all get your last wish now BEGONE!!! God beamed with rage and threw his hands up in the air.

Jeffie squealed with delight and quickly hung up the phone to tell the rest of his people the good news.

God slammed the phone down and stormed off to the front desk to speak with his wife, Margaret.

Margaret saw God storming down the corridor, an aura of darkness emanating from him. “Hoooney? Is everything okay?” Margaret said questioningly.

God stopped abruptly at his wife’s and looked down on her with fire in his eyes.

Margaret looked up at him, “Do you need a drink of water or you headed out for a smoke?”

God closed his eyes and balls up his fists, “No, Margaret, I don’t need a drink…” God gritted his teeth. “I need a vacation. I need to get away from everything. If that whiney little Eskimo calls again you tell him I’m NOT here!” God threw up his hands and stormed off to the prayer room to make his people’s prayer a reality.

God studied his Globe of Power, trying to decide where to move the ice cold weather and where to take the warm weather from. Equal and opposite exchange still in effect, it’s not like he can just make it happen with a flick of the wrist.

God muttered to himself, “Hrmm… Australia has some pretty screwed up and scary animals I’m not really fond of and great weather to boot… Maybe they could use the cold weather for a while…”

Margaret entered the room abruptly, “So where are we going on our vacation? I hope it’s better than our honeymoon in Canada, dear. Beavers are simply terrifying creatures with those huge buck-teeth and nasty rubber tire looking tails. Disgusting!”

God looked over his shoulder at Margaret, “Margaret, if you don’t shut the hell up I’ll bury you.” God turned back to the Globe of Power.

“Well, at least you could bury me somewhere nice and warm. Without any beavers and Canadians running around!” Margaret screeched.

God growled low in his throat and placed his hands on the Globe of Power. Left hand on St. Paul Island and the other over Australia and slowly dragged his hands to the opposite locations on the globes. “It’s done, the annoying little fruit and his people will be happy now.” God sighed.

*ERRR* *ERRRRR* *ERRR*

God slunk down into his chair and hid his face in his hands. Squishing his face together so his lips stuck out between his fingers he muttered to himself, “I’m done… I don’t even care what the emergency is now. Margaret, get our things, we’re leaving. Now”

“But what about your people? They need your help. You’re their God!” Margaret protested.

God shuffled to his feet, “Margaret, if you’re not in the station wagon in 10 minutes I’m leaving without you.”

Margaret let out a worried whine, “Oooh no, this is bad, very very bad!” As she hurried off to gather their things.

God changed out of his white robe and into his blue Hawaiian shirt with the green parrot across the front and his red surf shorts. God thought to himself then started sputtering aloud, “Bah, I was never good at this damned job anyways! I'm under appreciated and the benefits aren’t even worth the trouble! Getting paid in kindness and faith, BAH! Try buying a damned burrito with a bag full of faith! I might as well be farting confetti and shooting glitter from my penis for Christ’s sake!”

Margaret packed her bags and was loading God’s satchel (man purse) into the back of the old rusted brown station wagon.

“Come on dear, we’re going to be late!”  She yelled into the log cabin.

God pushed the front doors open swearing under his breath, “I’m coming ya damned harlot, just give me 30 damned seconds. I’ll bury you on the damned moon…”

Margaret called back, “Quit your humbugging and let’s go!”
Grumbling, God plops into the driver's seat and drives off to the St. Paul Airport.
"What's going to happen to your people while you're on vacation? Margaret asked worriedly.
"Hell if i know Margaret." God says matter-of-factly. "I gave them everything they ever wanted and all they do is bitch, bitch, bitch."
"God! Language!" Margaret interjected.
"I'll watch my own damned language!" God growled. "Now get in the plane, we're leaving". 
Margaret and God carried their luggage from the parking lot straight onto the runway and begin to load the plane.
"Where's the pilot anyways, honey?" Margaret asked.
"I'm a God, I'm flying the blasted plane. You don't get elected to run a group of dirty brown snow people without knowing a thing or two." God answered
Margaret shook her head, "Oh boy, this is NOT good. Don't crash into one of those lava volcanoes dear."
God buried his head in one hand, "Of course not, I'll aim for one of the Jell-O filled volcanoes..." God muttered in a low growl, "I'll bury you in a damned volcano..."
"Don't get lippy with me, buster!" Margaret scowled.
"Button your lip and get in." God retorted.
"You never told me where we're going." Margaret said in a nasally whine. "I hope it's somewhere sunny and warm! I want to lie on the sand and let the water lap my pretty little toes!"
God threw up a little in his mouth, "Please don't mention those stanky Vienna Sausages or I'll crash right into a mountain to get the image out of my head." God said disgustedly.
"Be nice!" Margaret bellowed.
"Buckle up creampuff, time to go!" God announced. He slapped on a set of 1940's pilot's goggles and took off down the runway. "We're going to Hawaii. We'll be landing at Keahole-Kona International Airport in a couple hours. Until then, watch the clouds and give me some peace and quiet."
God and his wife weaved through the clouds on their way to a much needed vacation in the sunny and warm Hawaii.
"Are we there yet?" Margaret asked in her usual nasally whine. "Honey, honey, honey, hooonnnneeeeyyyy...? Are we almost there? Dear? Are you even listening to me?"
"SHUT UP HARPY!!! I'LL CRASH RIGHT INTO THE FUCKING OCEAN!!! I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO YOUR CROSSWORD I WILL TAKE US TO A SWIFT AND SCREAMING WATERY DEATH!!! DON'T ASK BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?! WE WILL GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE!! FUCKING HELL I'M GOING TO BURY YOU ON THE FORSAKEN SUN!!! God yelled in a raging fit.
Margaret chimed in, "Well, I don't see a reason to get all grumpy. I was just asking a question. No need to turn into the Grinch for no rea-"
"MARGARET I WILL END YOU!!! God Bellowed. "YOU'VE BEEN ASKING THE SAME STUPID QUESTIONS FOR 6 STROKE-INDUCING HOURS NOW SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE WHOREBEAST!!!" God screamed.
"Ooh look! I see smoke!" Margaret squealed as she pointed out the volcano in the distance.
God stared down at the lovely Hawaii and wonders to himself if he should aim for the runway or do himself a favor and fly full-speed into the nearest volcano. Reluctantly he steers towards the airport.

God helps Margaret unload the plane and he notices he has goosebumps. "What the hell?" God frowned and studied the goosebumps on his arms and legs. 
"Hooonnneeeeyyyy, why is it so colllld??" Margaret whined.
"Hell if I know, Margaret..." God replied with a defeated sigh. "I'll ask the guy in charge, i suppose." God pulled out his Faith phone and kept pressing buttons to no avail. "Of course...this piece of shit never has any service. More faith and kindness bullshit. Wish i had a Nokia..."
"Hon, I'll call your brother in Australia and see if he knows what's happened here, okay? Margaret began to call God's brother.
"Oh, Hell..." God muttered.
"Uh huh... Okay... Yeah, he's here. Would you like to speak to him? Okay I'll give him the phone" Margaret replied.
God was leaning against the plane with his forehead in his hands, he held out a hand to receive the phone and slowly brought it to his ear. "Really? Really? You don't say..." God chuckles in response . "Oh yeah... I didn't think of that... alright. What's done is done i guess. Yeah, thanks. See ya Beels" God hung up the phone and slid it into his pocket.
"What happened? Why is it so cold here? Is everything alright in Australia? What's happening? Why aren't you telling meeee?! Margaret whined.
God turned to Margaret, "All my people are gone. The extreme change in climate melted everything and they all drowned. I borrowed the good weather from Australia but in-turn my brother's people nearly froze to death..."
Margaret gasped.
"To keep his own people alive and happy, my brother Beels took the good weather from Hawaii for his people in Australia." God said.
"Ohh my!" Margaret exclaimed. "What are you going to do now? What are we going to do? I don't want to freeze my kankles off here when we're supposed to be on vacation!"
God smiled, "We're going home. It's now an island paradise with full sun and the best fishing around!" God beamed. God's head snapped up, "That also means... No more annoying Eskimo's! Hot damn Margaret, I could almost stomach kissing you! God exclaimed.
Margaret runs to God and hugs him tight and leans in to kiss him. 
God plants his hand on her forehead and flings her back, "I said ALMOST ya damned wildebeest".
Margaret and God hug like they never had before, finally at peace.